Understanding Relational Triangles: The Hidden Dynamic in Family and Couples Therapy
Have you ever…
Found yourself stuck in the middle of a family or couple’s argument, trying to play peacekeeper, mediator, and emotional therapist all at once? Feeling like you’re being asked to choose sides? If so, you’ve likely experienced something called a “relational triangle.” It’s like being in the middle of a bad episode of a soap opera, but without the dramatic music. While these dynamics can feel overwhelming, understanding how they work is an important step toward healthier relationships and better communication.
The Common Misconception: "If I just listen, everything will be fine."
It’s easy to assume that if you lend a sympathetic ear and offer advice to the person venting to you, things will magically get better. But unfortunately, this is a “monkey in the middle” myth. Relational triangles thrive on indirect communication, and while it might feel good in the short term to play the part of a sympathetic ear, it rarely solves their core issue. So, the next time you're asked to mediate someone else's problem, consider this: Are you helping, or just adding fuel to the fire? (or do you just like to feel needed?)
Conflict (and the resulting tension) between two people is more about how the issue is being handled, rather than the issue itself. Enter the concept of “relational triangles,” a key element in family therapy that can make conflicts feel like a never-ending drama (sometimes passed down from one generation to the next). Let’s explore this dynamic of triangulation and learn a little about how you can untangle it.
“Relational triangles are like drama magnets—pulling in people who didn’t sign up for the show.”
What Exactly is a Relational Triangle?
A relational triangle occurs when three people become emotionally involved in a conflict, usually through one person who pulls in a third party to avoid confronting the second person directly. Instead of dealing with the conflict head-on, someone (let's call them Person A) might vent to a third party (Person C) about their issue with Person B. This creates a triangle that distracts from the original conflict and makes it harder to resolve. (Don’t worry, we’ve all been there!) Suddenly, there are three people navigating the tension instead of just two.
It might look like this:
Person A is upset with Person B, but instead of having a conversation to resolve the issue with Person B, they go to Person C to talk about it. In other words, Person A becomes an Anxiety Generator, hoping that Person C will respond.
Person C catches Person A’s anxiety, perhaps becoming an Anxiety Amplifier, and suddenly becomes emotionally involved. The Anxiety Amplifier might swoop in to rescue by offering advice, passing judgement or taking sides—or perhaps they dismiss Person A’s concerns—as an inconsequential issue, further amplifying Person A’s distress. This amplification of the anxiety can escalate the conflict further…and the issue between A and B isn’t directly addressed.
A third option would be for Person C to purposefully NOT catch Person A’s anxiety, and instead adopt a calm, neutral stance and become an Anxiety Dampener…to share their calmness with Person A—which can lesson (read “dampen”) their sense of anxiety.
Relational triangles can happen in families, couples, friendships, and even at work. They often occur when the tension between two people becomes too hot to handle (a la hot potato), and instead of addressing the issue directly, they bring in a third person to diffuse the tension—at least temporarily—and hold their excess hot potatoes.
Relational triangulation is really an anxiety management strategy, which relies on other people’s willingness to carry our hot potatoes—so that we can feel calmer. But then the other person is emotionally stuck carrying that bag of hot potatoes!
On the one hand, this third party adds much needed stability for the dyad! But on the other hand, this third party might also negatively influence the relationship between the dyad—and the dyad might use the third party as an excuse to not resolve their conflict.
Why Do We Get Stuck in Triangles?
It’s human nature to avoid conflict. Confronting someone directly about an issue can feel awkward or confrontational. So, instead of going straight to the source, we seek refuge in a third party—someone who isn’t directly involved and who (hopefully) won’t judge. But while it may feel like a safer option, it only keeps the tension simmering (occasionally boiling over and spraying chili on people standing nearby) and adds emotional/relational complexity to the already complicated situation.
Additionally, when one person in a triangle feels like they’re being caught in the middle, they often experience emotional stress, confusion, and frustration. In fact, the more that Person C feels responsible for helping to repair the tension between Person A and Person B, the more they will experience the distress of that relationship. The triangle can perpetuate the cycle of avoidance, making it harder to address the root cause of the conflict.
“The best way out of a relational triangle is simple: communicate directly with the people involved, no middlepersons required.”
Breaking Free from Relational Triangles
The key to resolving relational triangles lies in shifting the dynamic and not catching other people’s anxiety. Instead of getting involved as a third party, encourage direct communication between the people involved in the conflict. As difficult as it may seem, facing the issue head-on is often the best way to break the cycle. In therapy, I can help individuals and couples learn to express their feelings openly and calmly, without relying on a third person to mediate.
And if you are perpetually invited to join two other people’s unresolved distress, I can teach you how to detriangulate yourself from those tricky situations.
Here are a few ways to begin resolving relational triangles:
Encourage direct communication: Create an environment where everyone feels safe enough to express their feelings with the person they’re upset with.
Set boundaries: If someone keeps coming to you to spill their tea, it’s okay to say, “I’m happy to listen, but I’m not your mediator. Perhaps you and Person B should have a conversation about this.”
Stay neutral: Avoid taking sides, especially if this is not your fight! Your role in the triangle should be one of calm (anxiety dampener) support—not as a mediator, not as a hero, not as a peacemaker, not as an expert and not as an additional emotional battleground. [What happens if you offer them advice, and it backfires, making it worse? Who are they going to suddenly be mad at?!]
Use “You” language: If someone’s trying to rope you into their unresolved distress, from a calm, neutral stance try saying something like “Wow, that sounds difficult. But I know you have a good head on your shoulders, and will able to find a solution that works for you.” OR “This is so tough, but I know you are too. I believe you’ll be able to find a creative solution. Where do you think you might start?”
In a nutshell
Relational triangles create unnecessary complications in relationships, often preventing people from directly addressing issues that matter. By encouraging open communication and setting clear boundaries, you can break free from the cycle of triangulation and move toward healthier, more direct conversations.
I’m here to help
If relational triangles are causing stress in your relationships and you're looking for a way to break the cycle, therapy can help. Whether you're dealing with conflict in your family, romantic relationships, or workplace, I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist, with a PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy, specializing in relationship dynamics. I can help you and your loved ones learn to communicate more effectively and resolve conflicts directly.
If you live in California and are looking for therapy near me or therapy for relationship issues, I offer both in-person therapy in Redlands, CA, and telehealth sessions for clients across California. You can set up a free 15-minute consultation with me to explore how we can work together to untangle those tricky relational triangles.
References:
Bowen, M. (1978). "Family Therapy in Clinical Practice." Jason Aronson.
Gergen, K. J., McHugh, P. M., & Wright, W. L. (1986). "Relational Theory and Practice: Foundations of the Relational Approach." Journal of Family Therapy, 8(4), 345-358.
This blog post was created with the assistance of AI to help with flow and organization.