Understanding Relational Triangles: A Hidden Dynamic in Church and Family Conflicts
Have you ever…
Found yourself in the middle of a tense church conflict, trying to play peacemaker, mediator, and counselor all at once? Perhaps you’ve been asked to “help” between two individuals, only to feel like you're being pulled in multiple directions. If so, you’ve likely experienced something called a “relational triangle.” It’s a dynamic that’s common in churches, families, and relationships, and it can be an overwhelming challenge for anyone in a leadership role.
While these dynamics may feel like a soap opera in real life, understanding how relational triangles work is crucial for pastors looking to lead with wisdom, compassion, and spiritual insight. Recognizing these patterns in relationships is an essential step toward fostering healthy communication and conflict resolution within the church body.
The Common Misconception: "If I just listen, everything will be fine."
As pastors, we often find ourselves as the “go-to” person when people need to vent about conflicts in their lives, whether it’s a marital issue, church disagreement, or family drama. It's easy to assume that simply offering a listening ear or advice will help resolve the situation. However, this approach can inadvertently perpetuate the cycle of conflict.
This is the “monkey in the middle” myth. Relational triangles thrive on indirect communication, and while it might feel good to step in as a mediator, it rarely addresses the root cause of the issue. So, the next time you're pulled into someone else's conflict, take a moment to consider: Are you truly helping, or just creating more tension by getting involved in a situation that could be resolved between the two parties?
In relational triangles, the conflict itself isn’t always the issue—it’s how the conflict is handled. People often avoid facing the tension head-on and instead drag a third party (like you!) into the mix, making it even more difficult to resolve the issue at hand. Jesus knows how much we dislike directly dealing with conflict:
Matthew 5:23-24 (NIV):
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”
This underscores the importance of reconciliation before worship—suggesting that attempted relational reconciliation may be a higher priority over worship! Essentially Jesus said that the “gift” of repairing your relationships is of higher value to Him, than whatever you were planning to offer Him at worship.
“Relational triangles are like drama magnets—pulling in people who didn’t sign up for the show.”
What Exactly is a Relational Triangle?
A relational triangle occurs when three people become emotionally entangled in a conflict, often due to one person (let's call them Person A) drawing in a third party (Person C) to avoid directly confronting Person B. Rather than working through the tension with Person B, Person A vents to Person C, creating an emotional triangle that distracts from the original issue and makes resolution harder.
It might look like this:
Person A is upset with Person B, but instead of confronting Person B directly, they turn to Person C (often the pastor or another trusted individual) to share their frustrations.
Person C then becomes emotionally involved—sometimes amplifying the anxiety of Person A, offering advice, passing judgment, or taking sides. Other times, Person C may dismiss the issue entirely, which only fuels Person A’s distress.
In some cases, Person C may take a calm, neutral stance (perhaps you, the pastor), offering a stabilizing presence rather than getting involved in the emotional turmoil.
Relational triangles often happen in families, marriages, and even church leadership teams. They are a natural reaction to tension when two people are unable or unwilling to confront each other directly. In church settings, this dynamic can complicate relationships, prevent reconciliation, and sow division.
Why Do We Get Stuck in Triangles?
Avoiding conflict is deeply human. Confronting someone directly about a disagreement feels uncomfortable, and sometimes, people would rather vent to a third party than risk a difficult conversation. But in the process, they often create more emotional complexity and relational chaos.
As a pastor, you might find yourself in the uncomfortable position of being the “third party” in these relational triangles. While this may feel like a safer option for everyone involved, it only delays true resolution and leaves you emotionally entangled in their issues.
Breaking Free from Relational Triangles
The key to untangling relational triangles is to shift the dynamic. As difficult as it may be, the best approach is to encourage direct communication between the individuals involved in the conflict. This is especially crucial in the church setting, where unity and reconciliation should be a priority.
Here’s how you can help break the cycle of triangulation:
Encourage Direct Communication: As a pastor, one of your main roles is to create an environment where people feel safe to communicate directly with each other. Encourage church members to go directly to the source of their conflict, fostering a spirit of reconciliation and humility.
Set Healthy Boundaries: If someone repeatedly comes to you with their complaints, it’s okay to set boundaries. You can kindly redirect them by saying, “I’m happy to listen, but I think it would be best if you spoke directly with Person B about this. Let’s pray for clarity as you do so.”
Stay Neutral: In relational triangles, it’s important to avoid taking sides. You’re not there to be a judge or mediator, but to provide support and spiritual guidance. Your role is to be a calming presence—a spiritual “anxiety dampener”—not an emotional battleground. Remember, if you offer advice that backfires, it can create more conflict and might turn the person against you too.
Proverbs 26:17 (NIV): "Like one who grabs a stray dog by the ears is someone who rushes into a quarrel not their own." King Solomon warns against getting involved in disputes that don’t directly concern us!Use “You” Language: Encourage individuals to believe in their ability to solve the issue by themselves. You can say something like, “This sounds like a tough situation, but I know you have the wisdom and strength to work this out. Have you thought about how you might start that conversation?”
“The best way out of a relational triangle is simple: communicate directly with the people involved, no middlepersons required.”
A Pastor’s Role in Preventing and Resolving Triangles
As a pastor, you’re often the first line of defense when relational tensions arise in your congregation. But if you're continually pulled into others’ unresolved conflicts, it can affect your own emotional health and ministry effectiveness. By teaching your congregation about relational triangles, setting boundaries, and encouraging direct communication, you can help foster a more unified, peaceful church environment.
If you’re dealing with ongoing relational triangles and are unsure how to guide others out of these emotional entanglements, consider bringing these concepts into your pastoral care practices. You don’t have to fix everyone’s problems—sometimes, the best way to help people is by guiding them toward healthier communication and biblical reconciliation.
In a nutshell
Relational triangles complicate relationships and prevent people from addressing the issues that truly matter. By encouraging open communication and setting healthy boundaries, pastors can guide their congregations toward healthier, more direct conversations, fostering unity within the body of Christ.
I’m here to help
If relational triangles are causing stress in your ministry or church relationships, it’s time to take action. Whether in your own family, ministry teams, or congregational life, learning how to recognize and address triangulation can help bring about more peace and unity. A pastor's role in this is to help people resolve conflict with biblical wisdom, not as the perpetual “middle person.”
Through prayer, direct communication, and godly counsel, you can untangle the complicated web of relational dynamics.
This blog post was created with the assistance of AI to help with flow and organization.