Why Relationships Are About Three People…Not Two
“…Just the two of us”
We can make it if we try
Just the two of us
(Softer breathy echo: Just the two of us)
Just the two of us
Building castles in the sky
Just the two of us
{ostensibly lowers voice} You and I…”
Bless Bill Withers and Co. for this gem!
The ONLY issue I have with this buttery song is that I don’t believe there is such a thing as a “two-person” relationship.
The Peddled Myth: "It's Just Us Against the World"
A common misconception is that successful relationships are built solely on the chemistry, communication, and compatibility between two people. This romantic ideal, doesn’t actually hold much water in reality, because the addition of (or departure of) a third person—like the arrival of a new baby, the departure of a supportive mentor, or the up-and-coming Presidential Candidate (oooh yeah, I went there!)—can dramatically shift the rhythm between two people (You and I). In fact, this third party doesn’t even have to be a person! It could be a significant life event (in family therapy we call this a nodal event), a shift in career, an addiction, a dream, unresolved trauma, a pet, a sports team, a political party, or a hobby (or anything else).
Why Third Parties Matter
If you’re in a relationship—whether romantic, familial, or platonic—you’re not operating in a bubble. These external influences can shift the balance between two people (a dyad), causing temporary or even lasting changes in the way they relate to each other.
Let’s dive into some examples of how the introduction of a third party can affect the way two people relate.
“Understanding that relationships are influenced by third-party-factors can help you better navigate conflict and change.”
1. The Enemy of My Enemy is My Friend
Imagine there has been friction between you and a friend, but there’s been a recent shift in your relationship due the unexpected arrival of a mutual acquaintance that you both strongly dislike. Maybe this third party has been a perpetual source of drama, irritation, or likes to drizzle ranch dressing on their pizza. Suddenly, you and your friend are allied together on the same team— united against this obvious threat to culinary decency. This brief, temporary alliance strengthens your bond with your friend/partner. Thus, the addition of a third party you both don't like can temporarily bring you closer together because you can focus your frustration elsewhere.
2. A Baby Changes Everything (And Not Just the Diapers)
Let’s say you’re a couple with a newborn. While having a baby is a beautiful life event, it’s also incredibly challenging. Suddenly, your relationship with your partner isn’t just about love and affection—it’s about navigating sleepless nights, diaper duty, and figuring out parenting responsibilities. You may have been in perfect sync before, but the added demands of caring for a new baby create new stress, leading to frustration and even conflict between the dyad. The baby is a “third party” that shifts the dynamic between the two of you in unexpected ways.[[NOTE: This doesn’t necessarily mean that relationship was “weak” before—rather, the addition of a third party can significantly affect the dyad’s interactions (sometimes amplifying maladaptive tendencies and behavior patterns).
3. Losing a Stabilizing Force
Now, imagine you and your coworker get along great. Best buds. Matching tattoos. Joint family vacays—everything is smooth like Jif. But your work team’s success is largely thanks to a fantastic boss who holds everything together. Then, one day, your boss leaves the company. Suddenly, the stability you and your work bestie relied upon is gone. The you start to experience tension between you two, but you can’t quite put your finger on it…is it due to added responsibility, shifting dynamics, or a change in the team’s direction? In this case, the boss is the “third party,” and their absence changes the way you and your coworker interact.
“Relationships are about 3s, not 2s.”
4. Sports Rivalry: A Temporary Break in Harmony
It’s the end of January, and you’ve been talking trash to your neighbor because your Philadelphia Eagles are about to face-off against their Dallas Cowboys in the Super Bowl. (Yes, we know this is a fictional story, because the Cowboys haven’t been in the SB since 1996!). Yet after the game ends, so does the animosity toward your neighbor, and you naturally return to a harmonious relationship. In this case, the Super Bowl is the third party—a brief influence that caused friction between you two when it was present in your lives.
Why Does This Happen?
Regardless of whether the dyad experiences harmony or tension, the addition of a third party can affect how two people relate to one another. Likewise, regardless of whether the dyad experiences harmony or tension, the removal of a third party can affect how two people relate to one another).
Thus, whenever a new person, event, or stressor enters the picture, it may force the dyad to adapt. This could mean aligning against a common enemy, struggling with added responsibilities, feeling destabilized by a loss of support, or increased animosity toward your family member due to their political leanings…When you understand this, you realize that shifts in your relationship may be affected by outside people/parties. This is why relationships are about 3s, not 2s.
In a nutshell
The truth is, relationships aren’t only about the two people involved. The presence or absence of a third party—whether it’s a person, event, or external influence—can dramatically affect how two people relate. By understanding this, you can better navigate the ups and downs of relationships, knowing that sometimes, the change in dynamics might be temporary (and other times might be permanent), but are often painted by the colors experienced in the surrounding picture.
I’m here to help
If you're navigating shifts in your relationships—whether it's due to a third party or just feeling off-track—therapy can help you find balance. If you're in California and looking for therapy for yourself or for tricky relationship dynamics, I’d love to help you explore your options.
Get in touch for a free consultation (no small talk required!). Together, we can find the tools to help you build healthier, more resilient relationships.
References:
Harrison, P. (2021). "The Role of External Stressors in Relationship Dynamics." Journal of Family Therapy, 29(3), 122-134.
Green, M. & Thomas, R. (2022). "How External Factors Influence Relationship Satisfaction." Relationships and Well-Being Review, 41(2), 56-71.
This blog post was created with the assistance of AI to help with flow and organization.