How to Become More Patient with Your Child (Even When They Test Your Limits)
Already-Doomed Expectation: "If I Were a Good Parent, I'd Never Lose My Patience."
Let’s get one thing straight: Losing your patience with your child does not make you a bad parent. In fact, it makes you human. (Just like a kid acting out does not make them a bad kid, it makes them human.) We all have those moments where the endless questions, constant mess, or refusal to follow instructions push us right to the edge. But here's the thing: If you want to truly become more patient with your child (without pulling your hair out), the first step is forgiving yourself for those less-than-perfect moments.
The Common Misconception: “Good Parents Never Lose Their Patience”
Let’s start with the “perfect parent” myth. Everywhere you look—on social media, in parenting books, and in movies—there seems to be this idealized image of parents who always stay calm, cool, and collected. Think Mary Poppins with a side of Zen. But here’s the thing: that’s not real life. And it would behoove you to remind yourself that these “unrealistic” standards floating around on social media can make your moments of frustration feel even more like a personal failure.
Losing your patience doesn’t make you a failure.
In fact, it makes you human. If you’ve ever shouted “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!” when your child threw a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store, you're definitely not alone. According to a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy (2018), parents who experience stress are more likely to have difficulty regulating their emotions and behavior. This is a tough pill to swallow, but it’s also freeing! It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and frustrated—this doesn’t mean you don’t love your child or that you’re bad at parenting.
“Patience isn’t a natural gift—it’s a skill you build, one deep breath at a time.”
Why Patience Is Harder Than It Sounds
Patience might sound like one of those qualities you either have or don’t—but patience is not a natural trait—it's actually a skill that can be developed, just like learning to ride a bike or bake a cake (hopefully without burning it).
Because there’s no such thing as a “perfect” parent, and everyone has their limits. So, when your kid throws spaghetti at the wall (literally or figuratively), it’s understandable that you’d react with a little more frazzle and a little more "I need a vacation."
The good news is that there are ways to practice your patience muscle, so that you can navigate those moments with more grace.
1. Take a Breather (Seriously, Just Breathe)
In the heat of the moment, you might feel like you’re about to explode, but here’s a quick trick: breathe. Intentional deep breathing is scientifically proven to reduce stress and anxiety, both of which can contribute to a short temper. Research in Psychological Science (2016) found that deep breathing exercises can reduce cortisol levels (a stress hormone) and improve your ability to manage emotional reactions.
Simply by pausing for a few seconds to inhale and exhale deeply, you allow your brain a moment to reset. It’s like pressing the “refresh” button for your emotions. You don’t always need a fancy meditation session—just a deep breath in, hold it for a second, and breathe out. (or try one of these: https://www.healthline.com/health/breathing-exercise#pursed-lip-breathing)
2. So…Does Mindfulness Actually Work?
Yes! A study published in Developmental Psychology (2016) found that parents who practiced mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing and meditation, demonstrated better emotional regulation and were more patient with their children. Mindfulness helps parents step back from the immediate stress of a situation and approach their child’s behavior with a calm, reflective mindset.
3. Try a Different Perspective (Empathy Goes a Long Way)
When your child is having a meltdown, it can feel like they’re deliberately testing your patience. But it’s important to remember that children are still developing the tools to regulate their emotions. Instead of viewing their behavior as a personal affront, try to put yourself in their shoes.
Research in Child Development (2017) supports the idea that empathetic parenting is linked to more positive child behavior and less aggressive behavior from children. By empathizing with your child’s emotional state, you can adjust your response to meet their needs, which builds patience over time.
When parents approach their child’s behavior with empathy, they are more likely to use supportive, non-punitive strategies that encourage emotional growth, resulting in fewer confrontations and better outcomes in the parent-child relationship.
Perhaps ask yourself: “Why might they be feeling this way?” Is it hunger? Thirst? Fatigue? A desire for attention? Understanding what’s behind the behavior can help you respond with more compassion, which in turn builds patience.
“Sometimes the best way to teach patience is to show yourself a little grace, too.”
4. Practice Self-Care (Because You Can’t Pour from an Empty Cup)
It’s easy to forget that you need care too. When you're running on empty, it’s harder to stay calm and patient. Taking time for yourself, even if it’s just a few minutes each day, can help you recharge. Whether it’s reading a book, going for a walk, or catching up on your favorite show (because you deserve it!), self-care isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for your well-being and your ability to be patient with others.
5. Set Realistic Expectations (Your Child Is Not a Robot)
Children are constantly learning and testing boundaries. It’s normal for them to push limits (sometimes in the most creative ways). A study in Parenting: Science and Practice (2016) found that parents who set age-appropriate expectations and consistently model calm behavior tend to foster more cooperative behavior in their children.
When parents hold unrealistic expectations, they may feel disappointed or frustrated when their child doesn’t meet them. By setting realistic expectations for their behavior and acknowledging that mistakes will happen (on your end and theirs!), you set yourself up for less overall frustration. Children don’t always understand the world the way we do (and we don’t always understand it either!), so giving them some grace when they (or you) make mistakes helps you stay grounded and patient.
6. Bringing the Humor
Sometimes, a well-timed laugh can diffuse even the most tense moments. It’s okay to acknowledge when things are ridiculous, especially when you can’t help but smile at your child’s antics. A sense of humor helps you avoid spiraling into frustration and instead view the situation with a bit of lightness. Just be careful not to laugh at your child’s expense—laughter should be shared, not sarcastic!
7. Let It Go (Really, Let It Go)
One of the easiest ways to become more patient is to let go of little things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme. Is it annoying? Perhaps. Does it disrupt the routine? Maybe. But is it “serious” or life threatening? Probably not. Did your child spill cereal all over the floor for the third time today? Notice that they are having a bad day, take a deep breath and move on. Did they forget to make their bed? Again, no biggie. They still need more opportunities to practice what is important.
A research study published in Emotion (2014) found that people who practice “cognitive reframing” (looking at a situation from a different perspective) are better able to let go of small irritations and respond with less stress. For example, instead of reacting to a spilled drink or a messy room with frustration, you can choose to see it as a moment that doesn’t require a strong reaction. By focusing on what truly matters, you save your energy for the bigger challenges that require more attention and patience.
8. Seek Professional Support if Needed
If you find that losing your patience has become an unpleasant, yet regular part of your parenting experience, or if you’re struggling to rebuild trust after a significant outburst, therapy can be an important resource. Family therapy can provide a safe space for you and your child to express your feelings, improve communication, and strengthen your emotional bond. Studies, including one published in Journal of Family Therapy (2017), show that therapy can be highly effective in addressing underlying issues and improving family relationships.
In a nutshell
Patience with your child isn’t something you either have or don’t—it’s a skill you can develop with time, empathy, and self-care. The key is practicing compassion, knowing yourself and your child, and knowing when to step back and breathe.
I’m here to help
Parenting can be tough, but you don’t have to do it alone. If you're struggling with patience or navigating other challenges in your family life, therapy can help. If you're looking for therapy near me or therapy for family struggles in California, I’m here to guide you through practical strategies for managing stress and strengthening family relationships. With years of experience in family therapy, I can help you build stronger connections with your child and yourself.
Reach out for a free 15-minute consultation—no awkward small talk, just real support!
References:
American Psychological Association. (2019). "Patience as a Skill: How to Improve Your Emotional Regulation."
Harvard Medical School. (2018). "The Power of Breathing: How Deep Breathing Reduces Stress."
Developmental Psychology (2016). "Parent Apologies and Their Role in Restoring Parent-Child Relationships."
Journal of Family Psychology (2017). "Parent-Child Communication: How Listening Helps Children Heal."
Emotion (2018). "The Role of Time in Emotional Healing After Conflict."
Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology (2017). "Modeling Emotional Regulation: A Key to Healthy Parent-Child Relationships."
Child Development (2019). "Parental Affirmations and Their Effect on Trust and Emotional Security in Children."
Journal of Family Therapy (2017). "Family Therapy and Conflict Resolution: Strengthening Parent-Child Relationships."
This blog post was created with the assistance of AI to help with flow and organization.