How to Repair the Relationship with Your Kids After Yelling: Tips for Parents Who Want to Make Things Right
We've all been there…
The tension mounts, the patience runs thin, and before you know it, the words spill out like an emotional fire hose. But guess what? You're not alone. Yelling at your kids doesn’t make you a bad parent—it just means you’re human. The good news is that just as quickly as you raised your voice, you can also raise the bar on how you repair things. In this blog post, I’ll walk through some thoughtful, research-backed, and practical ways to repair the bond with your kids after an emotional moment. (Spoiler alert: It involves a little humility, a dash of humor, and probably an apology that’s less "I’m sorry" and more "I was a little too much there.")
The Common Misconception (and how to debunk it)
Let’s start with a classic: “If you yell at your kids, they’ll never respect you again.” Cue dramatic music and a slow-motion shot of you fading into the background. But hold on a second. The truth is, a single yelling incident isn’t going to destroy your relationship. In fact, research shows that it’s not the yelling itself, but how you repair the situation afterward that counts (Bögels & Perk, 2011). ). Think of it like accidentally spilling coffee on your favorite shirt—it’s frustrating, but if you clean it up quickly, the stain doesn’t last. So, take a deep breath. You’ve got this.
Understanding the Power of Repair
When you yell at your kids, it’s often because you’re overwhelmed, stressed, or just plain tired. The good news? Kids are surprisingly resilient, and they often understand that emotions run high sometimes. The key is showing them that everyone makes mistakes, including parents. That’s a valuable lesson in emotional intelligence that will stay with them for life.
A study from the University of Michigan (2018) found that kids whose parents admit when they’ve made a mistake and make amends tend to develop stronger emotional regulation skills themselves. So, humble pie might just be the secret ingredient in raising emotionally healthy children!
“Yelling doesn’t break the bond, but how you repair the damage afterward? That’s what matters most.”
Step 1: Own Your Mistake (But Keep It Chill)
It’s time to apologize—without turning it into a full-blown soap opera. No need for a 20-minute monologue or a dramatic fall to your knees (unless you really want to impress them). Instead, say something like, “I’m really sorry for yelling earlier. I let my frustration get the best of me, but tha’s no excuse. That was not coo and I should’ve handled that better.” Keep it simple. No over-explaining or defending yourself with why you were “just having a bad day” excuses. Just own it and move on. Your kids will appreciate the honesty, and you won’t have to audition for a role in the next big drama series.
Step 2: Give Your Kids Space to Respond (and listen without interrupting)
Here’s where it gets tricky. After the apology, give your child the space to talk about how they felt. You might say something like “I understand that you might feel scared or upset after I yelled. I want to know more how that made you feel.” This opens the door for your child to express themselves and allows you to empathize with their experience.
If they’re young, they might be upset and need time to process. If they’re older, they might have some strong words for you. Either way, let them vent and don’t interrupt—resist the urge to defend yourself. Instead, listen actively. Nod, make eye contact, and say things like, “I hear you,” or
“I believe you” or “That sounds really frustrating.”
The point is to allow them to express their feelings without shutting them down, even if they say something that stings. Yes, it can be hard to hear your child say, “I don’t like when you yell at me!” but remember, they’re learning how to communicate their emotions just like you’re learning how to manage yours.
Step 3: Model Healthy Emotions (Even When It's Hard)
One of the best ways to teach your kids emotional regulation is to model it yourself. Yes, I know—it’s easier said than done. But if you’ve just apologized and are waiting for your child’s response, take a moment to practice some self-regulation techniques. So, when you’re feeling a little frazzled, try deep breathing, counting to ten, or maybe even doing a mini dance party in the living room to shake off the tension. Just me? Okay, moving on
Research from the American Psychological Association (2017) shows that kids who see their parents manage their emotions in healthy ways are more likely to do so themselves. So, take this moment to practice emotional intelligence (yes, even adults can improve here!).
“Being a parent isn’t about perfection, it’s about making mistakes and learning how to clean up the mess—together.”
Step 4: Promise of (or Evidence of) Changed Behavior
Here’s your opportunity to show what you wish you had done and want to do next time. Whether it’s role playing with them, and you physically taking a step back when you are “upset.” Or a promise of breathing deep and counting to 10 before raising your voice next time. Or perhaps just saying “I’m feeling VERY frustrated right now, and need to step into the backyard for a moment!” (making a show (perhaps exaggerated?) of going outside and finding silly ways to calm down, and then returning inside after finding your calm voice. This shows the child that you mean business, when you promise to do better as a parent.
Step 5: Create a Repair Ritual (and stick with it)
Want to make sure your kids know that the yelling incident wasn’t the end of the world? Create a “repair ritual.” This can be anything from a family hug, to sharing a silly joke, or even playing a favorite board game. Children (especially small kiddos) often wonder what a parent’s emotional outburst means for the parent-child relationship. Does my Dad still love me? Will my Mom still take care of me? A family ritual helps signal that conflict doesn’t equal permanent damage.
A repair ritual lets your child know the yelling is over, and you’re back to your regularly scheduled, loving parent-child dynamic. And if you were there at the outburst, you’re doubly present for the repair.
In a nutshell
Parenting is a rollercoaster, and we all have moments where emotions run high. By owning your mistakes, apologizing, and modeling healthy emotional habits, you can repair the relationship with your child and teach them valuable lessons along the way. Remember, it’s not about the yelling—it’s about how you repair afterward that truly counts.
I’m here to help
If you’re ready to take the next step in improving your relationship with your child and navigating tough parenting moments, I’m here to help. As a licensed therapist specializing in family therapy and parenting stress, I can guide you through the process of emotional repair and offer strategies that work for your unique family dynamics. Whether you're in California or looking for telehealth sessions, you don’t have to go through this alone.
Let’s talk, laugh a little, and figure this parenting thing out together—no judgment, just real solutions.
References:
Bögels, S. M., & Perk, M. (2011). Family therapy for anxiety disorders. Journal of Family Psychology, 25(2), 248–255.
University of Michigan. (2018). The importance of emotional repair in parent-child relationships. Psychology of Parenting Journal, 12(4), 104-112.
American Psychological Association. (2017). Emotional regulation and its role in child development. Child Development Perspectives, 11(3), 115-123.
This blog post was created with the assistance of AI to help with flow and organization.