Stop Shoulding All Over Yourself: How to Break Free from the “Should Have” Spiral
We've all been there…
Looking back at a situation and thinking, “I should have done this,” or “I should have handled that better.” If you’ve ever found yourself playing the “should have” game, you know how heavy those words can feel. It’s like a weight that drags you down into a spiral of guilt, regret, and frustration.
It’s like self-inflicted emotional paperwork that you never signed up for. And the worst part? It’s not only exhausting, it’s not helping. In fact, these "shoulds" can be some of the most harmful thoughts we carry, especially when it comes to family dynamics, personal growth, or managing anxiety. But here’s the catch—there’s no “should” in therapy. In fact, holding onto those “shoulds” can keep you stuck, trapped in a mental loop of self-blame that hinders your healing process.
Let's dive into why "shoulding all over yourself" is doing you more harm than good, and how to start freeing yourself from that self-imposed pressure. Plus, we’ll throw in some humor along the way because, let’s be real—self-compassion doesn't need to be serious all the time.
Common Misconception
"Therapy is only for people who are in crisis." Ah, yes. The classic idea that therapy is reserved for “emergencies” As if therapy is just for when things are falling apart—like, you have to hit rock bottom or your life must be in shambles before seeking help. But here’s the truth: Therapy is not a last resort for when you might feel like rage-quitting work, parenting (hey, no judgement), your romantic relationship; it’s a tool for growth, self-awareness, and everyday emotional management. The shoulds people carry often start with a belief that they should have figured it all out by now—whether it’s handling their anxiety, managing stress, or being a “perfect” parent.
Therapy is a fantastic way to build emotional resilience so you can avoid those meltdowns in the first place. It's not about fixing a crisis; it's about giving you the tools to live a more peaceful, balanced life.
Why “Should” = Emotional Shaming
We live in a world where expectations—whether from social media, family, or even ourselves—are set ridiculously high. The “should” game often begins with thinking, “I should be handling this better. I should be a better parent. I should have known how to manage my stress by now.” Should often implies that you are not measuring up to some external or internal standard
But here’s the kicker: these shoulds do NOT help you grow, instead shoulds only fuel shame and guilt. When you look back and think, “I should have done this differently,” what you’re actually doing is shaming yourself for what you did do. This self-criticism doesn’t promote growth—it keeps you stuck. You don’t need to criticize yourself for being human. Instead of shoulding yourself, try shifting to a mindset of self-compassion and curiosity: “What did I learn from this situation? How can I approach things differently next time? What can I do different next time?” This shift in perspective turns “shoulds” into opportunities for growth, not self-flagellation.
“The more you ‘should’ on yourself, the more you’re holding yourself back from true growth—be kind to yourself and embrace the messiness of life.”
Let’s pause for a moment and appreciate how ridiculous the “should” game can get. Think about how often we use the word "should" in daily life: “I should eat healthier,” “I should exercise more,” or even “I should clean my room.” If “should” were a person, it’d probably be that overbearing, bossy friend who keeps telling you what to do all the time—kind of like the Jedi Council constantly telling Anakin Skywalker what to do. If they’d just chilled out a little, maybe he wouldn’t have gone all dark side on us. You get me?
The point is—stop letting the “shoulds” control your life. It's okay to not always have it all together.
Research Insights on Self-Criticism and Mental Health
Research shows that self-criticism is directly linked to mental health struggles like depression and anxiety (Gilbert, 2009). In fact, the more we engage in self-criticism (a.k.a. "shoulding"), the more we reinforce negative thought patterns that keep us trapped in cycles of low self-worth and stress. A study by Zuroff et al. (2004) found that individuals with high levels of self-criticism were more likely to experience emotional distress and reduced resilience in the face of challenges. So, when you’re stuck in the “should have” loop, it’s not just emotionally draining—it’s also hindering your mental well-being.
How to Stop “Shoulding” Yourself and Embrace Self-Compassion:
Recognize the “Should” and Stop It Right There
Catch it like you’d catch your friend when they try to swipe your hot fries. “Hold up, you can’t should all over me, okay?” The next time you hear yourself saying, “I should’ve known better,” just pause and ask yourself, “Am I helping myself by saying this?” If not, ditch it. You’ve got better things to do than listen to your inner critic.Replace “Should” with “I Would Like To”
Instead of telling yourself what you should do, try saying what you would like to do. For example, instead of “I should be a better parent,” try, “I would like to be more patient with my kids.” This subtle shift takes the pressure off and opens the door to growth.Give Yourself Permission to Be Imperfect
Newsflash: perfection is the enemy of progress and you don’t need to be perfect to be a great person, parent, partner, or friend. In fact, your imperfections—your humanness—are what make you relatable and real. Giving yourself permission to mess up without judgment is one of the most freeing things you can do for your mental health.Mindful Reflection—aka Talking to Yourself Like a Kind Friend
Imagine a friend came to you and said, “I screwed up, and I should’ve done that differently.” Would you respond with, “Yeah, you totally blew it, didn’t you?” No! You’d probably say something like, “This is obviously not what you were intending, and yet you tried your best. But there’s going to be a “next time,” and maybe you’ll learn something from this, and can handle it a bit differently.” So….YOU deserve the same kindness. Instead of berating yourself, practice mindful reflection—look back on the situation with curiosity, not judgment.
In a nutshell
In short, stop shoulding all over yourself! When we release the pressure of shoulds and practice self-compassion, we open the door to emotional healing and personal growth. It’s okay to not have everything figured out—and it’s even better to give yourself permission to be imperfect along the way.
“Perfectionism is a myth, but self-compassion is a superpower.”
Feeling stuck in the “should” cycle?
It’s time to break free. Therapy isn’t just for moments of crisis—it’s a space for growth, reflection, and most importantly, self-compassion. If you're in California and looking for family therapy, dealing your depression, anxiety management, or simply need to talk things through, I’m here to help. Let’s explore how you can overcome those “shoulds” and create the space for self-kindness and growth.
You don’t have to navigate this alone—whether in-person or via telehealth across California, I’m here to support you every step of the way.
References:
Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life’s Challenges. New Harbinger Publications.
Zuroff, D. C., et al. (2004). Self-Criticism and Depression: The Role of Interpersonal Stress. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 113(1), 55-61.
This blog post was created with the assistance of AI to help with flow and organization.